meal nearly: Always Already Being Lost

July 5, 2013

? . . . everything is always already being lost.?
? Bradley L. Garrett, discussing Walter Benjamin on the nature of ruins, from Explore Everything: Place Hacking in the City

Looking through the living room window at my 94-year-old Dad mowing the lawn

I?ve just returned from two weeks of keeping company with my 94-year-old Dad on the family farm.? I?ve written about my father before, most notably a tribute?in honor of?his 90th year.? On this recent visit, I was reminded daily of the small, accumulating losses that accompany anyone into extreme old age.? Since my last visit in February 2012, I noticed that my Dad no longer checks his email every day, works on crossword puzzles, goes to mid-week mass, or plans and cooks even simple dinners, much less barbecued chicken.? His short-term memory is going, and it is doubtful that he will be able to continue to live alone in the old farmhouse, even with the considerable day-to-day support that a few of my siblings provide.

And this is going to be a challenge for our family, because Dad will not go willingly to another home no matter how much better a change would be for him ? keeping him in physical safety, with good home-cooked meals provided, and lots of other support.? He wants to die at home on the farm.? The loss of his home, a reassuring space, would be heart-breakingly?sudden, not like the other losses he has born, some so?gradual that he might not even be aware of them.

We cannot stall the passing hours.? There is no promise of preservation.? I see in the slow, inexorable deterioration of the farm house, sheds, and barn ? those that will be torn down when my brother builds his family?s retirement home on the land ? the reflection of my Dad?s inevitable decline.? In spite of the pain, there is beauty in this collapse of our everyday existence.